To the men considering me for a wife:

Hello, it’s very very nice to make your acquaintance. Before we get too far let’s get one thing straight: I am a creature. I understand if you are not, this is not a requirement. What is a requirement is that you understand that I am. A creature, I mean. I look like a woman, and perhaps I’m also one of those, but really I’m simply a dormouse, or a bog witch, or a tower with no doors. I might also laugh if you try to kiss me. I haven’t figured out that part yet, although I am looking at the user manual to try and find the issue so that I can do as much kissing with real boys as I want. But for now, the problem still stands, and I laugh. Please don’t take offense, as I’m sure this is simply a creature feature, but I’m taking lady lessons once a week. I am pleased when addressed as the being that I am, maybe because it makes me feel just so thankful that you don’t mind so much the thing I was born as and cannot help but be, even for all my lady looks. 

I need you to know I am a mother in my bones. I’ve yet to make any babies, but I really, really want to make babies with a man or fellow creature. Thank you for your time and consideration, Man. Please submit a cover letter at your earliest convenience with 3 references and one of them must be your mother.